Sooo I'm gonna be 20 tomorrow. I've never actually felt OLD on a birthday, but now I do. I'm not gonna be a teenager anymore, which is kinda awesome but kinda scary at the same time. 20 should just be skipped. I'd rather just be 21 and get it over with. That's all this year is gonna be. Waiting til next year.

Pretty much my whole life is getting turned upside down too. My family life has been sort of fucked up lately and soon I'm gonna have to make some really big, life-altering decisions. I also have to start looking for a place to live on my own when school isn't in session. But I really don't wanna talk about that right now.

I <3333 the Mount. I joined Dance Team, and I'm kinda disappointed that I'm an alternate but whatever. I love the girls (and guy) that are on the team, everybody's soo sweet. I'm gonna be living there next year for convenience purposes. It's not that I'm far away, it's just a pain in the ass cuz I go back and forth every day. If I wanted to, I could get in there this spring, but I'll wait until next fall so I can choose all my shit. woohoo. All my classes are going well too, nothing is too hard so far. Thank god.

Ok that's all I feel like writing.
  • Current Music
    OneRepublic-Too Late To Apologize


Oh man. I'm actually nervous/excited for tomorrow. Actually, more pumped than anything else. My classes start tomorrow.

Summer was kinda blah. The job I started the summer with blew big time and I bounced out of there. However, I was led on by some dumb bitch manager at another store for way too long and that's pretty much why I was there longer than I wanted to be. I did finally get out of there alive and now I'm working at PacSun, which is actually a lot of fun. All the people are great, I get along with everyone, and the job itself isn't bad. The pay isn't what I'm normally used to, but whatever, money's money and I'm not really picky right now. My financial situation has gone all to shit anyway haha. Some asshole who made racist jokes just to "get a rise out of people" was recently fired, making my job all the more pleasant. They normally give me small shifts, 5 hrs at a time, and I was debating for a little while about asking for 8 hr shifts on the weekends to compensate for losing hours during the week, but then I realized that I'm gonna be teaching more classes for Ms. Butler and I'm gonna be making more money off the books anyway. Whatever.

So yeah, dance registration is tomorrow, and last year, Ms. B gave us double the normal pay so I'm pumped for that, haha. I can't wait to get back into it. I'm glad it's done for like the first month of summer then I can't wait to go back. I'm gonna be teaching older girls now cuz Janine's taking my babies class from me, so I get to teach the hour and a half of ballet, tap, and jazz. I'm pumped. Ms. B also said she wants me to help her with the gymnastics class, which is not a problem. I'm trying to talk her into letting my grandma be her secretary but she said it all depends on registration. If it sucks, it's a no go.

I actually enjoyed myself this summer. No, I had a blast this summer. I went away for a week to Cape May with my mom, grandma, and my cousin Emma, which was nice. I think that even though we're her family, and her and I hang out, she's still kinda shy around us. Which I guess is ok, cuz I'm still not completely comfortable talking to some family members casually haha. Either that, or she's just really, really odd. That was a good time though. Then the weekend after that, Jon and I went to Seaside. Can you say 'ghettotastic?" omg. our room fit a king size bed, a TV and a microwave on top of a mini-fridge. Not to mention I smacked my face on the sink every time I sat on the toilet to pee. We had fun, though. LOTS of Candy Apples lol. We went to his friend Jon's house last night for his 21st birthday and drank shitty beer and played Wii all night hahaha. We also went to Six Flags earlier in the summer with his brother and cousin, which was all great up until Toro, when I almost tossed my cookies ahaha. We went to the Bronx Zoo before that, probably in like early July, and I took like a million pictures. We pretty much got to do everything this summer that we wanted to and didn't last summer. I did, however, want to take him to a Yankees game again, but that didn't happen. Damnit, money.

So, in like a week or something, we'll have been together for a year and a half. Daaaaaaamn. That's a long time. It doesn't seem like it though. That's a good thing. One thing is, I know I'm not tired of him haha. Good stuff.

Ummm what else. I've been having AWFUL nightmares all summer. Shit like my uncle raising my grandpa from the dead, some lady's organs being torn out, giant snakes... blehhh. Idk what's wrong with me, I just can't shake them. I started reading stuff about nightmares and actually found that these are night terrors. I have them after I've been asleep for a while and I move around a lot while I'm having them. They said the only thing to help is therapy. I really don't wanna do that, though. I just don't want this shit anymore. Gah, it's making me so paranoid, too.

Anyway, speaking of night terrors, my classes start early tomorrow morning so I'm gonna hit the hay.
  • Current Music
    Saves the Day - Sell My Old Clothes, I'm Off to Heaven


Soooo things lately...

School is blah blah blah. School shit. I'm hoping to transfer by next fall into a real college, because this community college shit is just not doing it for me. They've been screwing me over from the start and nobody has given me a straight answer when I need help with something. They do, however, offer a fresh start program that will eliminate my worst grades to bring my GPA up (which is shit now anyway). Although they still see the bad grades, they have to honor my new GPA. There's only one problem with that, though, because you have to have either switched your major or taken a calendar year off. What I might do with that to be super extra sneaky is just switch quick to undeclared or something just so I can do that, then switch back to nursing when (if) I get into another school. Idk, it's just that everyone is giving me the runaround and nobody has answers for me. For example, I applied to the nursing program thinking I had all the necessary credits save two classes, and they just stamped a copy "RECEIVED" and mailed it back to me. So when I went to go talk to someone from the nursing department (not my advisor, mind you, I've never met the woman) she said I didn't have enough credits for it and I shouldn't have even bothered applying. That was a direct quote. Dumb bitch. When I called her back to see if she could get me into one of those classes, she said that I needed to actually BE in the nursing program to get into that class, because they save those seats for nursing students... wtffff? Whatever. I applied to Mount Saint Mary and I'm praying to god that I fucking get in. They have an awesome nursing program and it might be just what I need, a more college-like atmosphere. I called up the h.s. on friday and had them send my transcript out. I was looking at one they gave us in senior year and I really didn't do as bad as I thought in h.s. I screwed a few classes up and got a 78 average or something for 9th grade, but overall it wasn't bad. And I thought I was a slacker hahaha. I'm apparently not doing too terrible this semester, either. I haven't gotten any "U's" in the mail yet, so I guess that's so far, so good, right? I may be taking complete b.s. classes this semester but if I wanna get my GPA up, I gotta work a little harder. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to someone from the Mount and see what I can do there. I really wanna get out of OCCC and go there, it seems like such a better school, and it would give me an opportunity to start over, I guess. They don't accept all of the credits I've taken, but I can take some classes over to try to get a better grade. Idk, I'm really hopeful and really discouraged all at the same time. I'm trying to tell myself I can do it, but I'm trying to stay a pessimist so I don't let myself get disappointed if it doesn't go as planned.

Jonathan is applying too, which is exciting. It would be awesome if we both got in, but even if I don't get in, I hope he does. He really wants to go back and get his degree, and I don't blame him. I wish he had gone back sooner, but I'm not about to push him. He'll do things when he's ready to. Things with him are great otherwise, we just celebrated out first anniversary haha. One whole yearrr! :D Damn we rock haha. We're going to a concert next weekend, I got him the tickets for his b-day. Taking Back Sunday and Underoath, woohoo. My cousin really wanted to go, but tickets were sold out when I went to go look for hers. My mom suggested I give her my ticket and let her go with Jon and I was like "uhhhh fuck that. I paid for the tickets, I'm going." But yeah, me and him have been awesome. I'm still kinda sad we don't hang out as much anymore but we always manage to have a good time when we do hang out. He came over and surprised me yesterday. It was so nice, I sent him a text saying I missed him and next thing I know, his car is outside haha. We watched X-men and he tried to help me with h.w. Haha, aww, he's so sweet. :)

Workkkk oooh boy. I quit Zales which I kinda regret, but Jay couldn't deal with my schedule. I miss pretty much everyone, save the douchebag Brian and Rose. Apparently Dreena came back yesterday and Amy was supposed to call me but never did. Jerkk haha. I definitely wanna go back in the summer, cuz I can make a ton of money, but I have two other places to worry about now. After I quit, I applied at Coach and Kohl's and got the job at both places. I took Coach because the pay was way better and they could actually offer me hours, so I'm pumped. Down side: the dress code. But whatever, that's the worst thing so far. I told Kohl's to hold on to my application for the summer though. Idk what I'm gonna do there. I really wanna work at Coach and Zales again and make some crazy money, but Kohl's is apparently a good place to work. Meh, we'll see, I have time to think about it.

Dance has been going along pretty well. I was freaking out about my solo cuz I decided to do ballet, but one all-nighter and it was done and I think I'm pretty satisfied with it. We're not doing pointe this year cuz I'd be the only one and I don't wanna do it. Everything else is done, all my little girls, all my dances. Awesome shit. I love dance hahaha.

Blah, gotta go pick up psychobitch.
  • Current Music
    Say Anything-Alive With The Glory of Love


Dear Lord,

I pray for:
Wisdom, to understand a man.
Love, to forgive him and;
Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death.
  • Current Music

(no subject)

Things I am thankful for (that I forgot to jot down yesterday):

-my health
-the fact that I am going to school to do something I am excited about
-my family (even the crazy motherfuckers)
-my home that keeps me safe and comfortable every day and night
-my beautiful friends who always manage to help keep me sane no matter the distance
-my amazing Jonathan who I am so in love with
-my baby bunny loves who always want to cuddle no matter what
-the employees at Dunkin Donuts who are gonna keep me awake today
-the inventors of Red Bull.

I am not, however thankful for Black Friday. or the fact that I have to work a 12 hour shift starting at 3am today. ugh.
  • Current Music
    Saves the Day - Nightengale

blahhh day.

I hate this. I'm so burnt out and I can't quit anything.

Classes blow. Dance is exhausting me, not to mention the physical toll it's taking on my body already. Work is.... work. I do too much there but I don't want to drop anymore days, cause then there's no point to even working. I need a break and I need it now.

So far, my Jonathan is the only bright spot in my life. We just hit 8 months and he makes me feel so good, I love him to death. My girls are off at school and even when they're home I don't see them cause I'm always working! I don't have time for my home friends cause I'm too tired by the time I'm done with work to do anything. I usually just come home and pass out. I don't wanna see my mom cause she's the biggest pain in the ass bitch I fucking know and I do not like her.

My cactus died yesterday. :( Along with My Walterfishy. :(( Jon said he'd buy me a new one though which makes me happy.

Blah, I have to go to class and sleep in my car for a few hours.
  • Current Music
    Taking Back Sunday-Set Phasers to Stun